I Am Scared Of Living.

It's the March holidays and I'm nowhere near relaxing. It's been classes almost everyday and my week is completely exhausted. Maybe I'm just not managing my time well.

I've been thinking a lot about him and it really just gets me down. It should have been somewhat non-existent now. I've got so many reasons to be happy with my singlehood, yet so many reasons to be bitter and regret about it.

I'm not using time productively. But I still get rather tired from each and everyday without having done anything much. Greatness.

Have you ever thought about your reason for living? Like, what you're here for and who or what you're living for? I have, and I didn't find an answer to it. It makes me really wonder what I'm here for.
I've thought about religion, thinking that maybe having a religion sort of gives you a reason to live. For example, Sean is living for God. His God, his Jesus, his saviour or whatever. He has a reason to live. I don't know about Rae, I hope she'll answer this though.
I have nothing, and no one to live for.
Having a religion might get me some answers but I'm not too keen on suddenly having a faith, and one only to find my reason to live too. Seems bogus.

I hope this has no offense on anyone!

Okay, so this week I had and will be having:

• Monday - Post 49 days prayer for my grandfather/Social Studies extra class/Choir camp day 1/shopping with my sister
  
• Tuesday - Biology extra class/Choir camp day 2
  
• Wednesday - Mathematics extra class/Chemistry extra class
  
• Thursday - Mathematics extra class

It seems indifferent from having school. (In red are those I actually attended and in grey are those which haven't occurred)
These are holiday homework assignments:

• Physics revision schedule; questions from TYS
• Chinese worksheets; a thick stapled stack
• Chinese 'gong(?) he tian kong' workbook; unit 1-6
• E Mathematics revision questions; from TYS

That's about it I guess. I have to do serious filing work too because they principal and vice wants to check our files and books. Ugh, stupid.

My stuff are all over the place and so messy! Can't stand it. shall pack up things nicely too.

Speaking of shopping with my sister, boy, can my sister shop lah. She is like some impulsive shopper when she has money to spend and she only occasionally worries about her bank balance. Actually, she does worry about it quite often, but not often enough to make the impression that she really is worried. all in all, she bought a lot of stuff.

I gained weight. I really have gotten fat. Just yesterday, I wore simply a tee and some tight-fitting jeans (in picture above). I came back home and my sister saw me in her jeans (we share clothes) and she looked aghast. As in really horrified. She ended up blurting out, "Do I wear the jeans the same way as Jia?" I felt slightly insecure by that comment and asked, "Why?"

"Because you look so.. fat in it!"

WAHLAO I SWEAR I WANTED TO DIE.

But it is true lah. I have become meatier, pudgy and un-toned. Have to start some exercise regime. I'm not able to diet because I refuse to and it disrupts my metabolic rate so exercise is the only way out I guess. But I will snack less too.

Being a girl, or human for that matter, isn't easy.

I remember squeezing into those jeans too (in picture above), which I never ever had to try that hard to. I am petrified.

I have this strange feeling that I am destined to remain the same pudgy girl for the rest of my life.

I also have this strange but very surreal feeling that I will not be able to get in VJC (its aggregate is 6 points). And my sister made SAJC sound very.. loser-ish.

I am afraid of living and growing old. I don't ever want to face problems/troubles with finance or with my ideal career search.Okay, to break things into a lighter note, I saw this really cute guy yesterday while June and I were studying at Wheelock Place's Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. He was studying too, and he made the girl he was studying with seem so dumb (and she's not) when he taught her A Math! I was awed. He is not only cute, but smart. And his concentration skills are amazing. And he is quite nice too! Just from appearance. But you know how easily I'm swayed.